Nothing's Gonna Change
by iris dewdrop
Summary: If Bella wouldn't be Renee, and couldn't be Charlie, then who was she? - Bella goes for a drive... and doesn't stop. Only a flat tire and chance encounter will make her pause. It just might be the impetus to finding a life full of living.


**Hi!**

**This story is a first for me. It's actually an avoidance tactic: been procrastinating on studying for an exam, which is in 7 hours. Great time to let those creative juices flow, right?**

**Yeah, I know this is still rough. I know I switch tense a lot, but I'll be coming back to edit and polish. I just wanted to go ahead and post this before my ov's shrivel up and I lose my nerve.**

**Any comments will be greatly appreciated.**

**I think next chapter will be Edward's POV. Hopefully his set-up will be shorter and allow some action to happen. Yes, I said action ;)**

**The title is a line from Otis Redding's "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay". Love the song, just not its defeatist attitude. **

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Chapter 1

Bella had never before been frightened of the dark. In fact, she usually found the solitude and stillness of night soothing. But that had always been in the comfort of a bed, in a home with noises of the night muted by bedroom walls. In this present moment, however, Bella felt a queer sense of apprehension slither its way into her chest. Obviously it hadn't been a good idea to step out of the cab of her truck. Considering, though, she was on her knees gulping air deemed free of the taint which came with her conversation with Charlie, she didn't have much of a choice.

When she had heard the pop and hiss of her left rear tire deflating, Bella was almost surprised at how composed she was. She knew that during the course of this entire journey she'd been detached, only dimly aware of traffic and her body's needs. Truth be told, to avoid the shaking of limbs that indicated a thawing into awareness, she would randomly take an exit or turn. She deliberately stayed lost. To not have the unexpected mishap of her tire affect her daze was pretty impressive.

It wasn't until after speaking with the park ranger commissioned to tow her vehicle that the realities of the situation she found herself in became apparent. Bella was a young woman, alone, on an isolated road within forested mountains, at night.

Well, to be less dramatic, Bella _was_ within the Kootenai National Forest. That meant somewhere within the 2.2 million acres of jutting peaks and clustered forests, there were campgrounds and therefore people. _Oh, bad thoughts Bella._

To distract herself from imagining a chase where she was the prey scrambling for the safety of campfires, she thought of what attracted her to this particular location. It was a fortuitous coincidence that the state route she had ambled onto happened to be the Lake Koocanusa Scenic Byway. After taking a stretch at Libby Dam, she chose to traverse the two-lane side loop that wrapped around the lake.

Bella had dismissed the fact that the Scenic Byway wouldn't be very scenic with the sun sinking below the mountain range. She simply missed being near water, even if it wasn't the crash of waves nor the salty tang of the ocean.

When she had turned off the ignition she had been plunged into total darkness. The night was cloudy, so even though she could hear the lake lapping against the shore below her, there was no moon to illuminate the water. The sounds of nocturnal animals filled the space she couldn't see, and so she had rolled up her windows while speaking to Ranger McCarty. Afterwards, Bella had found herself automatically dialing the number for home. _Home_.

Charlie's disinterested, "Yeah?" pulled Bella out of autopilot. She, _oh god_, what had she been thinking? Of course, being a cop's daughter, it was only natural that she inform someone of her situation should said situation become dangerous. It was only natural that she give someone her location, especially considering no one knew where she actually was. But why had she not thought to call Angela? Was she really so lost that she didn't have the presence of mind to…

"Hello? Anyone there?"

"Da-dad?" Bella stammered. _Come up with something Bella, anything! Just get him off the phone and call someone else._

"Hi Bells! How's that school? Angela convinced you to go there yet?" It didn't help that Bella heard Charlie lower the volume of the game on his flat screen, an obvious indicator that she had all of his attention.

"I… actually, I've already left Puget Sound."

"Oh, thought you had made plans to stay there till the end of the week?" The concern was apparent in his voice. Was that relief as well?

"Umm, yeah, I changed my mind?" There was a pause, and Bella knew there was no use trying to lie. Besides, visions of search parties organized in Washington when, in actuality, her future missing self would be lost in the bowels of the Rocky Mountains, flashed before her eyes.

"Charlie, I…I didn't make plans with Angela to stay another week."

"Wait, Bells, I'm confused. Where are you? What's going on?"

In a very small voice, Bella rushed through the predicament of her flat tire, a hundred miles away from Angela's dorm.

"Why…why are you in Montana?" Charlie was breathing heavily, great heaves of air in and out. Bella wasn't sure if he was controlling his anger or despair. But she knew what he was thinking. What he was remembering.

"I'm sorry I lied, I just…" _What? You just what, Bella? Realized that you were nothing, going nowhere? Realized that you felt so dead and aimless that, instead of heading home, _home_, you drove in the opposite direction. Realized that driving away allowed you to avoid dealing with the sad, lacking reality you've made of your life. Realized that you are a coward._

Bella fixed her gaze on the ceiling as she attempted to explain without tears and without the truth. "I was about to get on the highway home, and I couldn't. I didn't… I didn't realize until right then that I…" _Was dissatisfied; malcontent? And if I faced you after that epiphany, I knew that I would see all of that reflected in your face? Jesus, Bella, just plow through this and then shove it away._

"It's not that I'm not happy. I am. But I don't know what to do. With myself, or anything, and I needed to go. I just couldn't go home yet."

"Well, why didn't you stay with Angela like you told me you were?" Oh yes, there was the anger. Bella pictured his face, red creeping up his neck in his confusion and apprehension for what she had to say next.

"Charlie… Dad, I didn't know that I was going to do this. And when I did… I can't explain it. I needed to keep driving and I didn't want you to worry. I can't explain why." _Yes, you can. You just can't explain it to him. Guilty._

There was an odd shuffling in the background before Bella heard his voice crack. "Bells, are you going to come home?"

That question of Charlie's had her reeling back against her seat. How do you explain to your father, the one person whom you could always rely and trust, that in this moment you never wanted to go back to him? That suddenly, what you had thought of as a peaceful existence really was an apathetic regard for your own life? And that you resented him for his example?

There was no way for Bella to tell her steady, solid parent that in imitating him in his life, she found out his secret. His seemingly simple, content acceptance of merely existing was a façade. She knew this because, in her strivings to be just like him, she made for herself a life empty, mundane, and false. There was no spark or warmth in her mindless routine back home. Nor was there the motivation to change that, to do something. Before last Sunday, she would have told herself that sleepwalking through her days seemed perfectly fine, if she had ever bothered to reflect on that.

They both knew what this sudden, drastic action might, _must_, mean. Bella tried to eliminate all traces of that woman from her own identity. This… driving for days, misleading everyone she had known and loved, must mean that Bella should have tried harder.

"I'm not like her. I'm not. I, I… I'll let you know when, when I turn back."

"You're an adult now. You've been one for awhile, and I can't expect… I'll look in the ads. See if there's a decent apartment. If, if you want to stay in Forks, that is. I can search in Olympia, or Tacoma, too. Wherever you want, Bells. You don't… you don't have to keep going."

At that, Bella sobbed. _How could she put him through this? _ Yet, however selfish this was, there was no way she was turning back now. If Bella wouldn't be Renee, and couldn't be Charlie, then who was she? In all of the miles she put between herself and the ghosts who have haunted her, she still didn't have an answer.

"I won't keep going. Not forever. I just… I'll figure it out, Dad. I promise." Bella wasn't sure if that statement was a lie or not.

Wearily, Charlie groused out, "You do what you need to. Just keep me informed, okay?"

Following that they exchanged an awkward parting, with Bella reassuring her father that she would keep him up-to-date with her actions. _Recklessness_. Before the phone even clicked shut she was pushing out of the truck, gasping for breath. She stayed crouched on the ground, trying to control her emotions and keep her head from swimming.

Eventually Bella got up; tried to inspect her tire with the slight beam of illumination from her keychain flashlight. Starring at the offending piece of rubber, Bella felt a churning within her. It began to swell and flood. Almost instantaneously she was thawed; boiling hot even. All that she had placed on lock down spewed forth from her mouth as a scream in a single syllable profanity.

"Fuck!"

And then the suppressed continued to push through her mouth as curses and her legs as kicks.

"Godmotherfucking! Dammit!"

Her cries eventually calmed down until she was leaning dejectedly onto the side of her truck, sniffling.

_Not how I wanted to deal with this shit. Hell, I don't want to deal with this shit at all._

Left alone with these thoughts, Bella slowly became more aware of the blinding darkness and alien cries from animals in the trees. Not even the breeze from the lake could blow away the alarm worming its way into her bloodstream. Rushing into the cab and locking the doors did nothing to keep a shiver from traveling her body and her mind from racing. _It's nothing. Nothing at all but your imagination. Noth-_

A roar sounded in the distance.


End file.
